Memoirs of a Chevron Guy
by Silver Damascus
Summary: At some point during my twoweek vacation, General O’Neill decided it would be a good idea to barricade the base, seal off the mountain, and declare it a sovereign country.
1. Chapter 1

Memoirs of a Chevron Guy.

Walter's diary or All the reasons this place would fall apart if I wasn't here.

08:12

New plant brought back by the science teams has just eaten half of the commissary and I don't just mean the food supplies.

09:30

Level 14 now resembles tropical rainforest, have just stopped botanists from setting off the sprinklers to make it more atmospheric.

09:45

I never should have let him have that flame thrower. How drunk/hungover/clinically insane was I to think Siler getting his hands on a flamethrower was a good idea. Although I admit, the face splitting grin is about as endearing as it is terrifying…From the looks of things his fresher techs disagree with the first part.

10:27

General O'Neill just staggered into his office. Sense of self preservation is telling me to avoid putting paperwork anywhere near him…I guess this is the reason why frontline combat would be a very bad idea for me. He needs to be briefed for his 11:00 meeting with the new Russian Ambassador. I'll take peace offerings.

10:32

Ah, who needs a white flag when you have black coffee.

10:43

I don't even think he's reading those papers.

10:59

We're going to be late.

11: 01

We're late.

11:46

Huh, who knew O'Neill could sleep with his eyes open…

12:32

Just introduced General O'Neill to the new Russian Ambassador, he was actually quite civil to him, he didn't try to shoot him, not even once. I think command of the base has really brought him down to earth.

12:37

The Russian Ambassador has gone missing. General O'Neill looked a little too innocent when I brought the subject up with him. Shit.

12:38

Have just sent every available airman off around the base to locate the missing Ambassador. General O'Neill is back to playing with his yo-yo, the yellow one. Now I know he's done something. Think, Walter, think. What would O'Neill do? Shoot him? No, I only left them alone for five minutes, he couldn't have cleaned it up that quickly. Oh, God I'm beginning to panic now.

13:59

Shit.

14:12

Where the hell is he!

15:29

That's it! That. Is. It. I am going to kill him. Saviour of the Earth or not General Jonathan O'Neill is a dead man. How the hell am I supposed to explain this to General Hammond? Sorry sir, I left O'Neill alone with a Russian for five minutes, during which time he duct taped him, dumped him in a storage room and painted him yellow.

I hate my job. I really need to relax.

15:32.

Iris opens, Iris closes. Iris opens, Iris closes. Iris opens, Iris closes.

Siiiigh, that feels better.

Iris opens, Iris closes, Iris opens….Why am I getting strange looks?

16:29

Have just been contacted by gate guards. Senator Kinsey has just arrived for a surprise inspection. Shit.

16:33

General O'Neill is not pleased.

20:17.

Well that was eventful. Seven off world activations that required General O'Neill's immediate attention during the tour, three floors inaccessible due to chemical spills and two self destruct countdowns. Although I think my personal favourite was the evil plant that tried to kill the Senator, at least we thought that was what it was trying to do at first. Turns out its less of an evil plant and more of an affectionate one. Very affectionate…and with very poor taste.

Siler outdid himself by setting fire to Senator Kinsey. The grin on his face hasn't twitched for the last half hour, am beginning to get scared. O'Neill's talking of promoting him. Wonderful idea, just what Siler needs, extra encouragement to set fire to things.

21:00

Oh Gods. Siler just asked if I knew why the new recruits were afraid of him.

21:04

Ok, so telling Siler they were terrified of him because they think that he's an injury attracting evil pyromaniac may not have been the best response. Although to be fair to me I've had a very trying day.

21:06

Siler upset by the fact the tech's think he's evil. General O'Neill suggested he do some bonding with them…why do I have a bad feeling about this?


	2. Chapter 2

Devil Theory - thanks for the tip, is great when people point out stuff. Haven't actually seen season eight yet, only seen one episode with O'Neill in charge which sort of captured my imagination. :D

How much do I love all my reviewers? So much you get another chapter.

(Bonus points for those who can spot the two references to two other brilliant sci-fi programmes.)

-------------------

07:00

General O'Neill's life is in danger. Grave, grave danger. And he is nowhere to be found.

07:45

Have informed Siler of the crisis, he looked rather crestfallen and muttered something about a team bonding exercise. Men of Siler's age should not be allowed to pout. His boys are now quietly checking every storage cupboard, weapons locker and vent shaft in the building. No matter how well they know this place, time is the biggest constraint, I honestly don't think we can cover the base in time.

09:00

He's got to be hiding. Why is he hiding? That's not his normal reaction to life threatening situations…he knows I'm looking for him, that's the only answer. Gah, doesn't he know I'm trying to help? No, of course he doesn't, he doesn't even know what's going on.

Maybe he does and he's decided to…Hah. Yeah right. This place has driven me insane already.

09:30

Not that this is the first, nor sadly the last time, the mans life has been in danger but still. It is my responsibility to ensure the smooth running of this base. The murder of the base commander does not constitute smooth running. And the paperwork is nightmare.

10:30

Gah, what do I do, I can hardly announce it over the tannoy. If he's hiding himself so well the techs can't find him quietly the grunts are hardly gonna manage it.

10:59

Oh, God. I can't be too late can I?

11:04

Arrrgh.

11:07

Dr Jackson and Teal'c! Surely one of them will know where he's hiding.

11:16

Was delighted when entered Dr Jackson's office to find him rolling about on the floor half mummified in sticky tape, was certain it was O'Neill's work. Turns out he did it himself.

I swear I'm going to come in one year and find he's garrotted himself with the stuff, not that that would really cause much of an upset to the running of things. I'm getting quite adept at scheduling in Daniel Jackson wake's and Welcome Back to Life parties. I've got to be the only man on the planet who has to worry about what type of bunting to order for a "Welcome back to the lower planes of existence" reception party.

12:41

I do not have time for this. How the grunts have managed to lock themselves in the bathrooms that have no locks I don't know. Why on earth was I called for this, where on earth is Siler?

13:00

Realised why General O'Neill is hiding, bloody nurses. Bloody needles. Why I thought he'd be hiding in the infirmary I don't know…My bum hurts.

On another note, found Siler.

14:55

Teal'c just walked down the corridor carrying a 5ft tall pink box. I think I really have cracked. I just don't want to know. Didn't quite have the courage to go and ask him if he knew where O'Neill was, he seemed very focused on…something.

15:15

O'Neill still missing. Bum still hurts. Jaffa and pink box still running around in head.

16:07

Botanists have commandeered three labs for that over-grown overly amorous plant of theirs. I tried getting rid of it but General O'Neill overrode me, he's quite fond of it after the Kinsey incident, it was all I could do to stop him giving it a formal commendation. Closest I've come to him was finding a note on the door to its room telling me quite firmly to keep my hands off of Harvey…

_Harvey?_

18:01

I take it the plummeting blur that just fell from the roof belongs to Siler. They're taking after him already, how sweet. At least they're still looking. Well, the ones that aren't unconscious anyway.

19:42

Have checked with perimeter controls for the fifth time. He is definitely on base, either that or he's disguising himself very well as a tree. Or he's been beamed away by al…oh shit.

20:00

No alarms have gone of. I don't understand this, how can the base commander go missing and no one notice? Chaos follows the man, its not as if he blends in terribly well…excluding all those years of special training but oh just shut up.

21:10

Oh God, that was scary.

21:12

I had to do that, I mean what would you do confronted with a very pissed of air force officer capable of killing you with her pinky?

21:13

Yes OK, I suppose "lie" wasn't the answer most people would come up with. I think we've been through the whole self-preservation thing.

21:16

Am rather traumatised at the moment, I don't think I could cope with Col. Carter's reaction to the situation so I lied. OK? And yes I realise that lying to a superior officer is generally…frowned upon but I'm certain Gen. O'Neill would appreciate my preventing the trauma that the truth would have created and forestall any impeding court marshals. If he's still alive by the end of the day.

22:26

Finally caught up with General O'Neill 28 floors down, in a storage cupboard, hiding under a fort of fruit loops boxes, twitching slightly. May not have been the best time but delivered the news. The resulting profanity scared the birds off the top of the mountain.

22:27

Idiot forgets Carter's birthday every year.

They just don't pay me enough for this.


	3. Chapter 3

09:00

Siler's wrench and I are off to explain to General O'Neill why we don't charter a private jet to deliver several bouquets of flowers and try to file  
it under "Expenses."

09:45

General O'Neill has gone missing. Either he's hiding from me - unlikely (…best return that wrench to Siler), the flowers didn't arrive in time and he's dead, (hope not, the paperwork's a nightmare…on plus side new CO may be easier to train), or they did arrive in time, Carter was very impressed and  
the two of them are off - bad Walter, bad! Nothing inappropriate. Regulations. Which we all know that General O'Neill would never break.

09:50

Snark. Yeah, right.

09:51

Fishing. That's the Carter-O'Neill euphemism isn't it? Only O'Neill could have the word 'fishing' used as a euphemism for sex, I mean, really.

And the one time they do go 'fishing'? Daniel and Teal'C go too. I just don't wanna think about that one.

09:53

Shudder.

09:55

Bad, bad images.

11:00

OK. Generally speaking: Loud noises bad.

Trembling floor bad.

Loud noises + trembling floor very bad.

12:00

It's all right, we're not being attacked. It was just another wonderfully successful science experiment.

12:20

I swear it's a miracle this mountain is still structurally intact. And it's beyond a miracle that Siler's not died as many times as Dr. Jackson. I swear,  
that we could put that man in a box of C4, set it off, and he'd still stagger out complaining he doesn't need to go to the infirmary.

Note to self - have Siler and techs make sure mountain is still actually structurally intact.

13:00

…Ah.

13:05

Oopsy.

13:10

Apparently, the mountain isn't quite as structurally intact as I thought it was.

13:12

Well, the mountain is, science labs aren't. I think some of the techs might actually be dead. Maybe I should just order them in some red shirts and get it over with.

…I've been spending too much time around General O'Neill.

Note to self: Raise odds on no. of techs to survive a week.

14:00

O'Neill back and looking insufferably pleased with himself. Am still trying to fight off images.

15:00

Kinsey's back and looking very pissed off. He had a half hour rant at the General about the incidents of the previous week. Speaking of which - I prevent a major diplomatic incident and get pouted at, Siler sets fire to a Senator and gets filed for promotion. It's not fair.

15:05

He's way out of line with what he's saying to Carter. Hope she hits him. Hard. No wait, I don't, that would lead to court martial… I hope the roof falls in on his head. But not on mine, so a centralised collapse, just over the two meter radius where he's standing.

Note to self: Ask Mackenzie if this is actually possible.

15:0

Oh God. O'Neill overheard what Kinsey just said to Carter.. He's gonna kill him. Seriously.

Not that I'd mind, particularly, but the court-martials and the investigation and the cleaning and the paper work, not so good an idea.

15:08

Oh, Gods.

Think, Walter, think!

Distraction, distraction, come on. Need a distraction. Where are the damn Tok'ra when you need them?

15:10

…

15:40

I…

15:45

I panicked. Okay?

16:00

And all right, so maybe deciding to sing "The Star Spangled Banner" at the top of my lungs wasn't the best-thought-out distraction in the world, but I was under considerable stress!

16:05

Shut up, ok? Just shut up. It worked.

16:09

It worked. The whole base thinks I'm insane, but it worked… General O'Neill is never going to let this one go, is he?

16:12

Shoot me, shoot me now.

16:20

Siler's made another break for freedom from the Infirmary. Kinsey must have left; strangely enough, I think one of his guards is still here. I'll have someone escort him off base.

16:30

O'Neill has just admitted me into the infirmary for a full psych evaluation. I hate that man.

I swear if Siler (now drugged and half asleep) makes one more straight-faced comment about it, I'm gonna kill him. One more: "Whoever said patriotism never saved lives?" and he's a dead man.

16:40

Siler sleeping. Nurses gone. No visitors, bored now.

17:00

Senator Kinsey has just been admitted to the infirmary with an oversized spanner lodged somewhere unsightly. I really need to speak to Siler about this.

18:00

Apparently, Colonel Carter didn't realise Siler was quite that protective of her. Geniuses are such idiots. I mean, be serious here. Would a pyromaniac be impressed by a woman who blew up a sun? Let me think.

It's a match made in a very fiery and explosive hell. God knows what the kids would be like. Speaking of, being Godfather to Siler's sprites, I think I have a fairly good idea. This is one of the few times I'm glad for Carter and O'Neill's obsession with one another. Come to think of it, I dread to think what their children would be like too, although less for the potential fire risk and more for the sanity damage. Something that looks as angelic as a Carter child and had the demonic mind of O'Neill would be unstoppable.

I have a moral obligation to the world to prevent them breeding.

18:20

Ugh, I feel like my head is living in a horrific B movie: _Return of the Sanity-Eating ImageMonster._ Now in Technicolor.

19:00

General O'Neill now alternating between humming "Let's go Fishing," "The Star Spangled Banner," and "I'm Too Sexy" through the base intercom.

19:50

O'Neill still singing. Doctor's here for psych evaluation.

20:00

Just shoot me now.

-----

Good little readers leave reviews. Bad little readers get locked in a sealed room with Kinsey.


	4. Chapter 4

0800

This has to be a joke.

0802

How can you faila psychological evaluation? According to this it's dangerous to be anywhere withing in a three mile radius of me.

0810

My simple presence counts as a mental health hazard. Nurses are demanding extra pay relative to their proximity to me.

0815

I have the slightest suspicion the nurses may and I stress may be exploiting this situation to their own benefit. There is no reason on earth I need seven consecutive sponge baths. Suddenly I constitute a mental health hazard and I've never been so popular in my life. I don't think its me they should be running the psych tests on.

0830

Probably shouldn't mention that to Nurses, god knows what we'd wind up paying them.

0900

Couldn't sleep last night either. Nightmares.

0910

I was plagued by visions of a toddler sized O'Neill spawn with Carter's face chasing me around base on a mini death glider with wheels. It was bloody terrifying.

Thankfully, I was rescued by Teal'c in a pink tutu before the gate guards finished the interpretative bolero about my agonising death .

I don't believe I started that sentence with "Thankfully."

0920

I don't believe I started that sentence at all.

0930

Maybe it's time I switched to decaff.

1000

Nurses shift change - freedom here I come! I need a drink.

1100

Bastard.

1110

I hate him. What did I do to deserve this? I want General Hammond back, none of this would have happened under him.

1130

He never locked anyone up under suspicion of being an alien impostor because they ordered decaff. Never once.

And my coffee dependence is not that bad!

1200

…I think my hand is beginning to tremor.

1230

On plus side, incarceration may help aid me avoid one of Siler's sprites birthday parties later on this week. Last time I attended one of those I wound up in hospital. The bloody blast was picked up by Norad, the entire base went onto defcom 3. Had fun explaining that one to General Hammond.

1300

Siler visiting, that's sweet, at least someone on base doesn't think I'm deranged and/or an alien. Either that or once again he's spectacularly failed to understand the concept of "danger".

1330

Siler is beginning to sulk over not having his favourite spanner anymore. I was maybe a little unsympathetic, told him he should be more careful where he put it if he wanted it kept and now he's not speaking to me.

1400

I mean really. Unmentionable areas of Kinsey's anatomy are not a good place to put it if you want it back in a hurry. Hardly one of the best places on base for convenient-GAAH!

1405

Oh God I just read that back over, I hate my head. I'm beginning to think the psychological results were right.

1500

Siler's puppy-dog-eyes have ensured the operation to remove the nasty politician from his beloved spanner has been scheduled. He says he's worried about possible damage or corrosion.

I don't want to know.

Nurses are trying to claim hazard pay.

1700

Kinsey was successfully detached from Siler's beloved spanner. Bloodsuckers are now trying to claim mental health damages in addition to hazard pay. I pity the poor bloke that has to deal with that claims form.

1800

Psychologists and nurses are arguing over whose custody I should be in. Isn't it nice to feel so loved, time to make a break for it.

1900

Damn psychologists still after me, have decided to hide under conveniently constructed fort of fruit loop boxes in a storage cupboard.

1925

This place is actually kinda creepy.

1932

I think there might be something else in here with me…

2118

Arg! Not good, woke up screaming after another nightmare involving O'Neill spawn burying me alive in fruit loops.

2132

Due to twisted psyche that hates me storage cupboard is no longer safe. Am relocating to office. Have no desire to be caught by evil nurses who think I'm depriving them of bonus pay.

2200

Office is filled with nurses brandishing hazard claims forms.

I'm a dead man.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Probably should have specified non-reviewers would be at mercy of Kinsey and not the other way around (You're all pyschopaths, you know that don't you?) Speaking of -good little reviers canhave Kinsey taped to a chair and St Siler the Burny's toys to play with. :D


	5. Chapter 5

0800

Am apparently too precious due to mental health - hazard pay issues for nurses to kill. I am in fact a precious commodity. It was terrifying though. They sat me down and made me tea.

0810

I don't know what they want but whatever it is they can have it.

0830

Decided to delegate task of nurses pay issues to someone else. I love my rank some days.

0840

…if the nurses get hazard pay for being around me…does that mean I get hazard pay too?

0850

Brilliant!

Wonder if I can convince accountants to pay out?

0900

Last night's dream was…interesting.

0910

General Hammond was about to decapitate me with a breadstick because O'Neill had somehow eloped with Carter and sealed the SG:C proclaiming it to be his Magnificent Castle of Scrummy Yummy Carter Love and was refusing to let anyone else inside.

I don't know.

Please, just don't ask.

1000

I'd go and see the psychiatrists if I weren't so bloody scared of them.

1010

It'd make the nurses day though.

1020

There's something not right about those psychiatrists. There's not much that scares me nowadays, a lot that panics me but not terribly much that scares me anymore. They do.

It was actually one of the reasons they posted me here. Ability to work well under stressful situations. If I'd known babysitting Siler's kids would have been so good for my career I'd've done it years ago.

1100

Am actually considering making it part of advanced training for SG:C selection. That'll scare the cocky little gits.

1130

You try glaring down five, six-foot teenagers related to St Pyro the Burny and see how well you do…not particularly well I'd imagine considering you're an inanimate object.

1200

In which case you'll just have to take my word for it that if being Godfather to seven of Siler's firey spawn won't make you nothing well.

1250

Is requisitions week this week. I hate it. Every year we go through this and its horrific, now O'Neill's in charge its even worse.

1300

I've already had a three hour argument with him over why Gameboys should not become standard issue for SG personnel. The man is ridiculously thick some days, he has to be doing it on purpose. It's like trying to explain the concept of fear to Siler. The more you try to explain the more and more confused they get.

1330

Had to explain to Siler why he's not getting to put in a requisition form for twenty-five new flame throwers. Every year this happens. Every single year he puts one in and every single year he still manages to look like a kicked puppy when I tell him he can't have it. I feel horrible, its just not fair. One should not feel overwhelming guilt for trying to save the lives of half the people on this base, not to mention any passing diplomats or politicians.

1400

MacKenzie says localised structural collapses could probably be managed but he doesn't quite see the application of it.

1423

What on earth is he on about?

1519

SG:1 back from off world again. I think Dr. Jackson may be dead.

1520

Again.

1540

Ah, he was just concussed. Damn. I had this really good speech ready and…

1542

Well it's not like I want the man to die! I wasn't waiting for it or anything...

1545

Oh, come on, look at the odds. There's no harm in being prepared.

1615

Oh, God.

1620

Dr. Jackson may not be dead but I'm fairly certain he's going to kill someone fairly soon.

1630

Siler's just radioed in. He's had a little accident in Dr. Jackson's lab.

1635

Siler doesn't have little accidents. Siler has full scale disasters. The last little accident of Siler's we had involved rebuilding half the alpha site.

1640

Just please tell me the little incident didn't involve a flamethrower and anything remotely flammable. I know that's asking for a lot but just this once.

1700

Oh thank God. The roof's fallen in.

1730.

I think I'm probably the first person to juxtapose "The roof's fallen in" with "oh, thank god".

My life is strange.

1800

Well half his new toys are buried under rubble and Siler's dangling from a light bulb two floors up but apart from that we're fine. He's an archaeologist, he likes digging things up. It'll be fine.

1802

Ouch, Siler's not dangling from the light bulb any more. I'm not sure whether I want that cracking sound to have been an artefact or Siler.

1840

Ah, roof collapse was Carter's fault, there's an interesting turn of events. Something to do with gravitational phase…time…I don't know. To be honest I wasn't listening.

1900

She tried apologising to Daniel but he's not talking to her so she's taken to being apologetic and concerned for Siler which he's loving. Foolish woman still thinks a half dozen broken bones is something to worry about for Siler.

Genius' are such idiots.

1920

At least we don't have to deal with that insufferable little McKay anymore. I lost count of the amount of people I had to stop poisoning the little git.

1940

Although I admit, seeing him faint when he walked into his room and found it filled with a truck full of lemons was priceless.

2000

And no, I have no idea how they were purchased, transported and arranged in his quarters without my knowing and no paper work whatsoever.

Or for that matter the slight error in that months balancing books.

2010

The fact that it roughly adds up to…oh, say, the exact price of purchasing and transporting a truck load of lemons is a complete and utter coincidence.

2015

I swear people are so paranoid now a days.

2100

I wonder how much shipping to the Pegasus Galaxy costs?


	6. Chapter 6

0800

Don't want to talk about last night's dream. Don't ask me again.

0815

Too many lemons.

0830

Too many bad, bad images.

0835

I hate Gen. O'Neill. Almost as much as my head hates me.

0900

Spent the last half hour trying to convince Siler that a broken arm is one of the reasons he really should visit the infirmary.

0914

Strange… that only took half an hour and no bribes. Come to think of it, he has been acting a little odd lately. I think hanging upside down for an hour and a half yesterday might have left him with some permanent damage.

0945

I actually had the accountants run the figures one year. He and Dr. Jackson total a third of the infirmary expenses for the SGC.

1000

Either that, or the nurses are embezzling us out of a ridiculous amount of money.

1012

…I'm not quite sure which of the two is more likely.

1040

Didn't even ask what Siler did to himself this time. Sometimes I wonder why we keep the man around. Then I remember he happens to be the only man capable of keeping the power supply running with an air freshener, a tube sock and a bread knife.

Who else are we gonna get, MacGuyver?

1127

Think someone just poisoned Dr. Jackson. That's a new and interesting way of doing it, got to give them credit for keeping it original.

1134

I mean, what a terrible thing. I must go and… act like this isn't a normal occurrence.

1139

What's procedure for poisoning incidents, again? I can only remember the ones related to food, the commissary cover-ups and lemon chicken.

1140

I did not just say that.

1200

Never mind.

1210

He's not actually poisoned.

1230

You think that someone turning pretty colours, screaming they'd been poisoned, and collapsing in the middle of the briefing room would actually be an indication that they had been poisoned.

Not that they had accidentally picked up the decaf.

1300

Idiot.

1335

Oh, turns out Dr. Jackson was poisoned after all, nurses say his system can't cope with the decaf. They're pumping his stomach now, want to have him put in ICU. Personally, I think it's just another excuse to keep him sedated and half naked in the infirmary for another few days.

1400

Almost feel sorry for the poor guy. In fact, I do, and yes, I know the "leave no man behind" thing, but this is the medical staff we're dealing with. If it were some nice friendly Goa'uld, it'd be another story, but I am not crossing the nurses. Again.

1430

Oh god.

Another one of Siler's sprites just got accepted into the academy.

Harley is a 6-ft-1-inch pyromaniac who still knows me as "Uncle Walty". Just what we need being trained to use fighter planes.

1455

Ah well, at least it's another one I won't have to pay education fees for when Sparky finally manages to electrocute himself.

1500

I suppose in his case I should probably put "electrocute himself to death," but it just doesn't sound right.

1530

Unauthorised Incoming Wormhole.

(Iris closes!)

1534

Ah, Gen. Carter/Selmak.

(Iris opens again. Sigh, I love my job.)

1540

…just realised he doesn't know O'Neill's been put in charge yet.

1541

Shit!

1545

Is ok. Crash cart arrived in time; our ambassador to the Tok'ra is still alive. I wouldn't have liked to try to explain that one to Gen. Hammond.

1600

You know, there's just something wrong with O'Neill calling the man "Dad". It's just not right.

1700

Oh, we're all about to die from a Goa'uld invasion. Well, that's original.

1714

SG-1 off on another suicide mission.

(Iris opens!)

1734

Interesting to see how that goes considering Dr. Jackson's still not talking to Carter over the ceiling incident.

1800

Odds are on they're back for breakfast, Carter's make up will be perfect, Teal'C will be uninjured and stoic, evens on Dr. Jackson's survival.

1830

I mean there's something weird with Carter's make-up, she spends days captured by goa'uld or other enemies or that weird wheelchair psycho goa'uld lover and every time her make-up stays perfect.

1840

I wonder if she takes an emergency kit with her, or whether it's just sort of surgically grafted on…

1902

Do you think they give her time to fix it?

Maybe that's how they manage to escape so often, just wait until some unsuspecting Jaffa undoes her shakles to touch up her eyes under some strange Geneva-make up Convention and wham! She stabes him in a throat with an eyeliner.

Or I suppose whatever the inter-planetary equivalent of the Geneva Convention is, which to be honest as far as I can tell is the Asguard and the Goa'uld saying "Don't blow this up and we won't blow you up."

Nice to see the levels life can advance to if given time.

1927

I think about things too much.

1945

…

1957

Tra la lala laaa.

2002

That really doesn't work when you have to write it down, does it?

2011

…

2035

…

2100

You know, I have no idea what half these buttons actually do.

2130

…

2200

Hm, think I'll drop by and see Siler before I head off. Night.

2202

Why am I saying "Goodnight" to a book?


	7. Chapter 7

0900

Absence of loud noises and flashing lights leads me to the conclusion SG:1 are still off world.

0934

I swear years of stealth training on that lot might as well have been given to the catering staff for all they use it.

1000

Have started on this new psychiatric, work satisfaction test paper thing the doc's are piloting this year.

_Question 3: In 3 words each, describe 4 prominent members in your working environment..._

Siler: Laconic, indestructible, pyromaniac.

Jackson: Intelligent, geeky, stubborn.

Carter: Strong, intelligent, beautiful.

O'Neill: Not quite right.

1026

_Question 5: Do you think your work involves a stress factor?_

1052

I refuse to dignify that with a response.

1117

Can't decide whether dreams are getting better or worse.

1124

_Question 9: Describe your last dream._

Oh, dear.

1203

I think this is one of the times when lying is an appropriate response.

Especially considering the last one sort of maybe involved General O'Neill playing a giant gameboy that involved Siler running around Washington with a flame thrower trying to torch as many politicians as possible in order to rescue the princess from the impenetrable castle of Froot Loop boxes.

Just you know, maybe…

1234

Loud noises and flashing lights, guess who's home.

1257

Yup, Carter's make up has once again proven to be an indestructible force.

1305

Note: See if can get brand names, suggest to Dr Lee as hull protection for Prometheus.

1342

Damnit, Dr Jackson still alive. Still, he hasn't undergone post mission medical, could still be developing some sort of deadly disease.

1355

Not that I want him to, that would just be morbid. I would never wish such harm on anyone.

1421

Huh, have just received message from Daedalus wondering at what point "1 crate of lemon juice, p.s. keep out of contact with Dr McKay idiots." became "1 tonne of lemons please deliver directly to Dr. McKay."

1433

You know, I have no idea when that could have been.

1449

I like Col. Caldwell.

1527

Unauthorised Incoming Wormhole. Red shirts to the gate room!

1536

Hm, just Gen. Carter checking up on his. Crewmen 1- 7 live to die pointlessly another day.

1547

You know we could cut down on training costs so much by just not bothering to give them any training. Not as if they ever last long enough to do so anyway.

1600

And no, I don't think I'm being overly pessimistic today.

1617

Even if I were I would have a very good reason for it.

1635

Which I don't.

1658

Which doesn't matter because I'm not being but were I to be I would have. So there.

1715

I've said it before, I'll say it again, there's just something really wrong with O'Neill calling that man "Dad" .

Either it's taken as a father-in-law thing, indicating an inappropriate relationship with Col. Carter, or it's a paternal father thing indication a very inappropriate relationship with Col. Carter.

1730

Gyuh.

1755

_Question 13: Would you say your colleagues enjoy healthy relationships with each other?_

…

…

1830

That's it. I just can't take it anymore.

1844

That's it! I'm going on vacation. I'm on route for a nervous breakdown.

1900

This is what happens when you work full time in a pit of insanity and alien incursions in the bottom of a hollowed out mountain.

What can I say, seemed like a good idea at the time…


	8. Chapter 8

0900

Well, I wish I could say this was a surprise.

0915

It told them this place would fall apart without me, but did they listen? Oh, no.

1000

At some point during my two-week vacation, General O'Neill decided it would be a good idea to barricade the base, seal off the mountain, and declare it a sovereign country.

1020

Negotiations with His Majesty, King Jack the Sexy and Wonderful of the Magical Kingdom of Oz are not going well.

1040

It's scary how reality is beginning to resemble my dreams.

1052

Maybe I'm becoming prophetic.

1104

Oh, God no, that's not a good thought. In fact that's a very, very bad thought. Maybe I'll confine Siler to base and try and stay away from large amounts of strawberry-lemon custard, just to be on the safe side.

…don't ask.

1123

Oh, dear.

1126

We've just received some very joyous news from the Magical Kingdom of Oz.

1132

Oh, God.

1134

He's gone and done it.

He's proposed.

1147

He's a dead man.

1153

She accepted.

1200

He's a dead man.

1222

Pentagon is not impressed. Don't wanna know what the IC is gonna do.

1223

Or worse still, General Carter. Oh, God, General Carter…

1235

He is such a dead man.

1247

On plus side, Gen. Carter may be out of practice. I mean, its not like he's had to deal with any of Carter's prospective partners before. Not as if they ever last long enough.

1300

I swear O'Neill is behind the boyfriend thing. Every single one of them has either gone insane or died. Or both.

1329

No one's luck can be that bad. Or that good, from O'Neill's point of view. He has the contacts – call to the Asgard here, trip to the Pentagon there, and bam - potential threat No. 7 gets a little too friendly with the butt end of a falling satellite.

1334

So do you think that the converse applies, and Rodney McKay is going to live a long and healthy life? Well they've shipped him off to Pegasus. If he survives that we'll know well enough.

1347

He did survive the "dumb blonde" incident – that was no small thing.

1355

Hammond had to confiscate every weapon on base from O'Neill, and then found him trying to garrote McKay with his yo-yo.

1407

I had to stop Siler going for the Napalm. Talk about overreaction.

1416

On the plus side, if he isn't responsible for it, he'll be dead before they have the chance to get married, so they won't be able to fire him, ha.

1422

I'm beginning to think there is a flaw in that logic.

1434

General Hammond is so going to fire my ass.

1442

This is so unfair. I'm going to get fired for going on holiday.

1456

On the plus side, I'll be the first man in history to be fired because his superior decided to claim his secret underground facility a sovereign country.

1501

And refuse to speak with his "old" government until he's successfully re-negotiated all the treaties with the people through the Magical Shiny Pond Ring.

1513

Oh yeah, so court-martialed.

1522

Bomb Squad have determined there aren't any claymores in the large piles of mashed potatoes outside the entrance. Just mashed potatoes. Scientists are still advising Hazmat's. Chef's trying to claim compensation.

1530

And the nurses.

1537

Still no word from King Jack the Sexy and Wonderful, nor from the 1/3 of the base population that didn't manage to make it out before the first self-destruct countdown that sealed off the base.

1541

Or, as it's now called, the Shiny Happy Countdown of Doom.

1600

Hm, this is a bad idea. Generals have decided to send down a few Redshirts along with one of Siler's boys. Fire Fodder #3 as Siler so helpfully named him. I think. It's a little difficult to tell them apart.

1609

Usually not much point in learning to, they have an average life span less than one of Carter's potentials.

1633

Uh oh.

1657

No, I am not hiding. Hiding is undignified and unbecoming of a USAF man.

1723

Although, this does indicate that my sense of self-preservation is coming along nicely. Maybe I should just sneak away and head back to Hawaii.

1743

They have distinctly less bald angry Generals than Colorado Springs.

1757

Maybe if I just close my eyes, this will all just be a bad dream.

1812

Please?

1830

OK. So it's not like I expected that to work.

1847

What's that noise?

1904

In retrospect, I admit. I probably should have checked whose trunk I was hiding in before I got in it.

1930

Shit.

2000.

General, sir…_meep._

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